on love and relationships

 “There is no love; there are only proofs of love.” 


One thing that is so heart-breaking and stressful about my relationship with D, is that it doesn't feel "right". He doesn't love me. He's moving away. He's like an addiction. HE'S LIKE AN ADDICTION. 


This should sound familiar to me, because it has happened before.


I want to be happy being single, but I also want to look for a suitable partner.

Gratitude

I'm grateful that I'm getting all these little kicks out of my rut. Like the trip to AZ and this camping trip and the recent sing alongs with sisters and D.

I sort of feel like without constant little kicks I'll be in a not so great rut...

Today's identity: writer

There have been times throughout my life where I have wanted to be a writer. So that will be my identity tonight (and tomorrow). Apparently I need a narrative and "writer" is a pretty glamorous one. I have been writing here, writing people on okc, and what I really need to do... Write my SCARY personal statement and draft letters and updated resume. I am scared.

separation anxiety

I feel very happy and comfortable with D even though things are far from perfect. Perfect and in control is what I long for and I have to remember that that is impossible. So.... then, I am also worried about making a mistake - wasting time on something that will never work.

What I wanted to talk about is separation anxiety. After I leave his side, I feel freaked out. Like I will never see him again. I have been seeing him pretty consistently lately. He is planning on moving away. He doesn't like his life here. I think I would like to find a good therapist to talk about this with.

Camping

Went on a lovely camping trip.

I did have a bit of a freak out at one point, getting mad at D. I don't want to dwell on this. The positive thing that came out of this is that expressed many of my feelings. In a perfect world I could express my feelings without getting mad, but I am accepting myself and being kind to myself. I am imperfect, and not in control of everything. I have to accept that. That sounds RIDICULOUS, because it is so obvious, but in some areas of my life I really WANT to be perfect and in control. PERFECT AND IN CONTROL. Yuck. That's tough. Here is a quote from ADB:

"At times there's no point reasoning with certain moods - one just has to let them pass, as one would bad weather."


I got a decent amount of exercise on this trip - lots of walking, which was really fun. We also took photos of ourselves...

Fantasy Identities

There's a tip in Happiness-Project to channel your other identities, when a particular one isn't going well.  I think I can extend this to fantasy identities, mine including (both normal and fantasy):

-dancer
-student
-worker
-family member
-dating girl
-fashion/beauty girl
-housekeeper/homemaker/interior designer
-knitter
-runner
-yogi
-writer
-scientist/engineer/researcher

There are probably so many more. I used to think that identities are stupid - but now I see that they can be a tool for organizing your self and also trying on a different self (If only for a few hours to take a break from the self that isn't going so well...).

I was worried this morning that I slept too much. I think I woke up once at 6 am and then I woke up for real at 8 am. I think I went to bed very early, maybe 9:30 pm. The day before I worried that I slept too little. Went to bed at 1 and woke up around 7 (ended up hanging out in bed for awhile - but still). It's not like the worry is TOTALLY pointless. It does help me to look at this very important bodily and emotional need - SLEEP. But I want to change it from worry to like worriless observation - pleasant mindfulness. Maybe less judging - just noticing. Sounds hard.

Not in a terrible mood this morning - hopefully will get on with my MSEE application so I can move forward with my LIFE!

"It sure seems like a lot of yoga comes back around to this same idea (at least for me) that most (if not all) of our suffering comes from thinking things should be different than they are."