Too Lazy to Eat

Tomorrow will be a new day and I'm sure I will take good care of myself tomorrow and I have a whole work week ahead of me after that. My first full work week at the new job. I recognize that today was sort of a wash. I went to yoga and then listened to an audio book and read a bit. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating anything I have here and I don't feel like going anywhere to get food. There's a part of me that thinks I should go pick up teriyaki, but I mostly want to rest. Sometimes you need to rest and maybe even fast.

My apartment was hot this morning, and although I was conscious around 8:15, I didn't get out of bed until 9. But when I opened both my windows there was the most beautiful cross-breeze. Ahhh, simple pleasures - also the sun is SHINING. Plus, I have an excuse not to exercise today because I'm running a 5K tomorrow morning. I enjoy exercise and I sort of want to go to yoga today - but my body is tired! I will probably do a fair share of walking today though.

I've been in a bit of a depressed rut during my 9 weeks of unemployment (like pain scale of 1-10, a few times was an 8). It's been a really hard time. In yoga yesterday we were talking about our root chakra and our sense of home. I think my old job and the people there were a big part of my sense of home. Speaking of home - I need to get my house in order, literally. I have been in my apartment for a year now and I don't have anything hanging on the walls and my furniture is sparse. This is not okay! It is also giving me this sense of failure that I can't get my shit together. I need to be nicer to myself - I have been busy with change and new experience. Not to mention that I grew up in a messy house, so I don't really have the training to keep a nice place. Another aspect of my life that was starting to feel like "home" was my boyfriend. That isn't going so well right now either. I am getting along pretty well with my family. I suppose my Dad's sickness has also disturbed my sense of home. Yikes, this root chakra is bringing up quite a bit.

So I was a bit depressed this morning. I didn't eat dinner last night after I had done a practice 5K (I want to take better care of myself in the future). I just ate some chocolate froyo, a peach, and a banana. So I woke up hungry, parched, and hot. I pretty much always wake up parched and my apartment was pretty hot last night as it was in the 80s outside as soon as I opened my windows it cooled down and I will eat some toast with peanut butter now. I would say the pain this morning was 7/10. Two solutions: make better decisions so that I won't wake up depressed including not going to bed hungry. I do this at my boyfriend's house too. Going to bed hungry is a bad idea. Another thing: get better at coping with the pain of depression. As soon as I move forward I feel better. Even turning on the radio near my bed makes me feel better.

When I was a little kid (like elementary school age) I would stop moving in the morning - I wasn't a morning person and I would sit around and my Mom would tell me to "keep moving". The not being a morning person has been part of me for most of my life. I'm starting a new job where I will be waking up early (and I even want to try to wake up very early and go swimming before work - this way I will get my work-out out of the way and I will also have an easier commute because I will go to the gym by my work which is a freeway commute away). I'm excited about my new regimented life and it will be a very good salary. I still have to think of my long-term career plan and also my life plan. My new job also provides excellent health insurance so I'm going to start seeing a therapist once a week for six months.

coping strategies

Today I woke up and felt crappy as usual, but I got on my yoga mat at about 730 and did some visualizations and stretching. Now I feel great. I guess the trick is to be well enough to do that. Self care is very important.

Feeling better

trying to focus on committing to doing small tasks. It seems like getting up to do a small task gets me motivated to do larger tasks. go Frida go!

depression

I got a lot of sleep last night. I'm bored. But I'm also unmotivated. Nothing sounds good.

I know that I should get out of the house.

Adi wants to run, but that does not sound fun to me.

Maybe I should take myself to a movie.

At least I'm eating.

I just don't REALLY want anything right now.

"The thing you really believe in always happens . . . and the belief in a thing makes it happen." — Frank Lloyd Wright


I know what it feels like to want something and I have some incredible accomplishments in my life. Of course I am most proud of being helpful to my family in a time of need. I am second most proud of moving to New York to learn more about dancing.


When I want something I can do it.


Not to totally discount the factor of age. Maybe when I wanted something I could do it, when I was 22 or 24.


But there are so many fantastic older women doing amazing things: My idols of course being Martha Stewart, Teri Gross, and Joan Rivers. Note that Martha Stewart and Joan Rivers both have only one child, while Teri Gross is childless. Also, that neither Martha Stewart nor Joan Rivers is married. I don't necessarily need a family of my own to be awesome.


I will be happier when I determine what I REALLY want to do. Until then I should enjoy the freedom that the absence of WANT brings.

Quoty - some thoughts on my new depression

"The secret of a leader lies in the tests he has faced over the whole course of his life and the habit of action he develops in meeting those tests." — Gail Sheehy


I don't know who Gail Sheehy is. I am currently battling with depression and certainly feel "tested". I'm not sure of the appropriate places to turn to for help. I have gone to see a therapist once and will call her today to try to set up an appointment for this week. I think the most concerning fact of my depression is the weight loss. I am typically on the skinny side and the weight loss due to depression is putting me in the underweight category. I feel like I look gross.


Furthermore, I am dating someone who I really like - and I may have messed things up with him due to my depression. I want to practice what I want. I want to practice being in a good relationship. Even if it doesn't work out with this particular guy, if I practice these skills - I will have these skills in my next relationship. It can also help out with my friendships.


So maybe I should do what the yogis say and focus on my practice.