Your Skin Makes Me Cry

Okay, cheesy emo Radiohead quote.

So I guess this post is about my boyfriend. I really miss him, but I don't want to be clingy. It wouldn't even feel freeing, expressive, and honest to be clingy right now (as it sometimes does). I want to use this feeling to motivate myself to be my best version of myself. Is it bad to be motivated by external factors? I'm going to say "no" as long as you feel good about it. I feel good about being motivated to be better, as long as I'm not working so hard at it that I am suffering. It's good if he motivates me to be cuter or take care of my apartment, because those are things I want too, right? I'm not sure. There is the philosophy that you should feel like your boyfriend likes you for who you are. He very well could, but I'm so insecure I don't think I'm good enough.

Once again it come back to me. I don't think I'm good enough.

On another note. He is a bit self-absorbed. I'm just noticing that he mostly thinks about his job and his possible ADD. He is having trouble concentrating and thinks he might have ADD.

Anyways, the sky looks freakin amazing and it's warm :)

(add on at 7:45 pm) I just got off the phone with him and I was telling him about my new job. It's sort of making my skin crawl. I can feel him judging me. I know that there is no way for me to KNOW that he is judging me. I can't read his mind. Also, I feel this way lots - from lots of people. Once again - this is a problem with me.

NO PURPOSE

Once again I have no purpose. A new day to fill up. But no purpose. No value. I guess I will watch project runway at my sister's house at 9, which will be exciting. That is my only plan. Maybe lots of working out, eating, and cleaning. Maybe I'll see the movie "The Future" which looks really good to me.

Yesterday my boyfriend called me just to talk which made me so happy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying someone's company until they inevitably dump you? I think if you like someone that is all you can do. Let them motivate you to be better and when you are rejected - keep breathing until you can seek more pleasure. Maybe I should think of an awesome activity for us to do? That is mostly free and where he can spend some time studying?

It is very sunny outside.

Quoty - some thoughts on my new depression

"The secret of a leader lies in the tests he has faced over the whole course of his life and the habit of action he develops in meeting those tests." — Gail Sheehy


I don't know who Gail Sheehy is. I am currently battling with depression and certainly feel "tested". I'm not sure of the appropriate places to turn to for help. I have gone to see a therapist once and will call her today to try to set up an appointment for this week. I think the most concerning fact of my depression is the weight loss. I am typically on the skinny side and the weight loss due to depression is putting me in the underweight category. I feel like I look gross.


Furthermore, I am dating someone who I really like - and I may have messed things up with him due to my depression. I want to practice what I want. I want to practice being in a good relationship. Even if it doesn't work out with this particular guy, if I practice these skills - I will have these skills in my next relationship. It can also help out with my friendships.


So maybe I should do what the yogis say and focus on my practice.

Some adjectives I would use to describe dating:

exciting, fun, stressful, awkward, horrifying, humiliating, shame-inducing