Service.
We have friends who always have a very, very messy house. 3 young girls, great imaginations, a lot of dress-up clothes, craft, renovations, and you know the rest. They frequently invite other families over for lunches and dinners, and have long joked that it’s a service to the parents, to make them feel better about the state of their own houses.

Then I found this in another blog:
“When you’re mentally ill you are constantly doing social work just by existing. I realize that often, when you’re crazy you actually need social services for yourself, but just by talking about yourself to people who aren’t feeling that great about themselves, you are able to instantly make them feel glad they aren’t you. That’s a great service to offer.”

In the Bible, in Romans 5:3-4 it says:
“we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Why do I hate myself?

Rationally I know that I'm a good person and I am doing my best. Well at least I think I'm a good person. Maybe I'm disappointed that I'm not doing my best.

depression

I got a lot of sleep last night. I'm bored. But I'm also unmotivated. Nothing sounds good.

I know that I should get out of the house.

Adi wants to run, but that does not sound fun to me.

Maybe I should take myself to a movie.

At least I'm eating.

"The need to find meaning … is as real as the need for trust and for love, for relations with other human beings." — Margaret Mead

Yikes.

"Changing directions in life is not tragic; losing passion in life is." —Max Lucado 

There are so many great Eleanor Roosevelt quotes

I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision. — Eleanor Roosevelt


I should learn more about Eleanor Roosevelt. And American history, and history in general.

FEAR

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in
which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to
yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing
that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. —
Eleanor Roosevelt


I did the scary phone interview yesterday morning! And I learned a bit and feel proud that I did it!

I am a social creature

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever
situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the
greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions,
and not upon our circumstances. — Martha Washington


This quote is cute, but it makes me realize that it's hard to be cheerful and happy when I am alone. I am a social creature and being unemployed has given far too much alone time.

I just don't REALLY want anything right now.

"The thing you really believe in always happens . . . and the belief in a thing makes it happen." — Frank Lloyd Wright


I know what it feels like to want something and I have some incredible accomplishments in my life. Of course I am most proud of being helpful to my family in a time of need. I am second most proud of moving to New York to learn more about dancing.


When I want something I can do it.


Not to totally discount the factor of age. Maybe when I wanted something I could do it, when I was 22 or 24.


But there are so many fantastic older women doing amazing things: My idols of course being Martha Stewart, Teri Gross, and Joan Rivers. Note that Martha Stewart and Joan Rivers both have only one child, while Teri Gross is childless. Also, that neither Martha Stewart nor Joan Rivers is married. I don't necessarily need a family of my own to be awesome.


I will be happier when I determine what I REALLY want to do. Until then I should enjoy the freedom that the absence of WANT brings.

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." — Casey   

Business...

"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted." — Marie O'Conner


To paraphrase from "He's Just Not That Into You" - 'Busy is another word for asshole'. Actually that may be a verbatim quote.

Be Your Best Self...

or as Oprah says, "Lead your best life" Although these aren't exactly the same thing - or are they?

Pickup artists teach men not to just "be yourself", but to "be your best self" in order to pick up women.

Does motivation matter?

Sometimes I think any motivation is good motivation, especially when I'm feeling very unmotivated. But, the best motivation - the most useful - comes from deep down. That sounds so cheesy, but it is true for me.

I have a job interview today that I don't think I'll be very good at. Like, during the interview I'm going to be orally tested on circuits which I don't feel brushed up at. Would my best self do this? Probably not. I don't need to - I'm already committed to accepting a different job offer. I may be wasting my time and theirs.

On the other hand:

If I were my best self I would feel more comfortable with circuits, because a) I just worked as an electrical engineer for the past 19 months, and b) I am an electrical engineer by training.

But I'm not. I was doing specific things at my last job, and my general knowledge is not really there. I did graduate from the EE program in 2005 - that's 6 years ago.

Also, if I was my best self I would not cancel on people last minute.

Most importantly, if I was my best self I would not be so afraid of failure or of appearing stupid. It is actually completely reasonable that I don't remember general EE fundamentals. It's not great, it's not over-achieving, but it's reasonable.

It is 10 til 8 and the interview is at 10. I'll feel better after I eat a good breakfast...

Quoty - some thoughts on my new depression

"The secret of a leader lies in the tests he has faced over the whole course of his life and the habit of action he develops in meeting those tests." — Gail Sheehy


I don't know who Gail Sheehy is. I am currently battling with depression and certainly feel "tested". I'm not sure of the appropriate places to turn to for help. I have gone to see a therapist once and will call her today to try to set up an appointment for this week. I think the most concerning fact of my depression is the weight loss. I am typically on the skinny side and the weight loss due to depression is putting me in the underweight category. I feel like I look gross.


Furthermore, I am dating someone who I really like - and I may have messed things up with him due to my depression. I want to practice what I want. I want to practice being in a good relationship. Even if it doesn't work out with this particular guy, if I practice these skills - I will have these skills in my next relationship. It can also help out with my friendships.


So maybe I should do what the yogis say and focus on my practice.

Some adjectives I would use to describe dating:

exciting, fun, stressful, awkward, horrifying, humiliating, shame-inducing