slow morning - i didn't feel like getting up. I think I got quite a bit of sleep though.

feeling really happy.

i like my "rebound guy" - it sort of couldn't be better.

it's nice when gratitude comes naturally.

doing much better this weekend. Remembering that last weekend was the BOTTOM. And I'm not going back there. Maybe depression is a bit like diabetes. It forces you to take really good care of yourself :)

the gym was great.

i'm tired and happy.

a bit dehydrated and in need of fresh fruits and veggies, but i can take care of that tomorrow.

good night, journal.

feeling grateful.

twinges of bad feelings about not rallying to meet up with Kevin tonight. But I really want to work out! And I have plans tomorrow. And I'm not a short notice person.

Mostly feeling good. I'm doing a nerdy LabVIEW training that is interesting to me. I even feel hopeful about getting an interesting engineering job within my company.

i love waking up early.

i feel curious about the world.

i feel grateful.

I am so grateful for today!!!

I told a coworker about my dancing in New York.

I met up with Fred and told him about David's craziness (first time telling someone all the big points)

I connected with people.

I was authentic.

I'm getting better.

I feel like I'm growing.

today was a good day.

and now I'm feeling like he's awesome, when earlier today I felt like he is shit. Why is my opinion of him such a rollercoaster?

today is shaping up to be a good day! work was good and I feel very productive about my evening...


Let's stick to this.

I'm thinking all types of negative things about David and can't think of very many positives. I'm trying to just not think about him, so my head isn't filled with negative thoughts.

This morning is going pretty well.

I need to make decisions. Simple decisions. Like when should I leave to go to starbucks? 6:15?

Uggg.... Idk. Maybe this morning isn't going too well.

do i get pleasure from lying in bed? Why am I doing this? I think I want to find balance.

today

I believe emotion drives life. -some paraphrasing of tony robbins.

Dear David

I love you. And I'm sad that it didn't work out between us. And I'm dating someone new because I thought it would take the edge off. And it is a bit. But there is still some edge. Maybe I should start drinking or smoking weed. Or taking anti-depressants.

I'm really embarrassed at how I acted when we were together and breaking up. Especially yesterday. I think my embarrassment will keep me from calling you. I think this is actually a good thing. This may be a positive thing about shame.

I know that we are not a good fit for each other. Your scary idealism and judgement is not good for me.

I don't know if I'm okay being alone. That is a crazy statement. Being alone used to be my superpower.

the REM song "Everybody hurts" helps

day one without talking to david.

i'm addicted to your love.

Or attention. Or interaction.

I just want to be social and have fun all the time. But then I realize that I have housework. Like, quite a bit.

"please be careful with me. i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way." -jewel

I am grateful that I washed my hair. It feels so much better.

men who hate women.

The way that men fetishize women is disgusting to me. It makes me so sad, because I have a need for connection with men - and it probably just will not happen. I need to figure out how life would be if I didn't have a connection to a man, because that is definitely a possibility. However, it is not something that I will easily give up. I guess women fetishize other women and men as well. Ugghhh. I am so disappointed in people.

I am rejected. I am sad.

i am grateful

I feel good now. right now.

how I feel in the mornings

I have good energy. My apartment is warm and I'm drinking water.

But, yes, I have issues with my mental health in the morning. My heart hurts. I am carrying pain and misery is the only way I can describe it. At the moment I feel okay in my head - sort of. But my heart....

My therapist thinks I should go to a doctor to get a physical. Maybe there is something to that. I've been feeling bad for such a long time (well 2 months+). I want to heal. I want to feel good in the mornings.

Maybe I should start dancing again. It is something that I really loved. I think I should get a short haircut - like chin length. I should go to Rudy's tomorrow. It's true that I haven't been eating well or exercising. I should focus on healthy habits. I'm going to try out a restaurant I haven't been to with Elizabeth this evening.

I think a depression turning point was being unemployed and having to take a hard look at my life. There are so many things I'm unsure of.

We broke up yesterday and he told me that he had had a nose job (which totally breaks my heart) about five years ago. One of the things I dislike about him is that he is very into looks (but he's not very good looking himself). I think he's physically beautiful because I like his personhood so much, but if I step back and look without bias, he is strange looking - possibly because of the plastic surgery. I think plastic surgery is sad. It's weird how this fact about him REALLY breaks my heart. He's so great in so many ways, but he is very sad. It's such a waste.

Where do you draw the line on the improvement of your looks? Is vanity more sad for men? Am I just shocked that he's such a fancy kid, and this is further proof? Am I just shocked that he's so extreme?

it was a very dignified break up.

It's not you, it's us.

the wedding industry is a one hundred billion dollar industry.

my heart is very broken. My job is to keep breathing. Eat and drink as much as I can, and not call David.