I feel completely invisible. Just me in my own little world. alone.


there are pros and cons to this.

also, when I reach out people are receptive.

But still....

I want the right people to be after me in the right way.

My standards are impossible of course.

I am mad at my boss.  that is all.

i can't decide what to do, therefore i do nothing.

yikes.

I can't decide whether going to the 2 hour yoga practice will be too strenuous since I'm a bit out of shape.

yikes.

getting older is tough!

so i guess i will plan on going and will leave early or chill out in child's pose if it is too strenuous. I'll tell the teacher beforehand about my deal and I'm sure he'll be supportive.

okay: easy sunday morning plan:

8:15-8:45: computer time
8:45-9:15: breakfast time
9:15-10: shower and get ready

after yoga i'll eat lunch and go to the gym and walk on the treadmill for an hour.

you can't help someone who doesn't want your help

you can't love someone who doesn't want your love on your terms.

i'm so frustrated with our relationship.

what is the point of this.

I guess I need to take some time to sort things out.

It's okay to not have a plan. KW doesn't know what he's talking about.

It's also okay to have plans in my head that I don't tell anyone.

It's okay to think that my life will be great when I'm 50 and that's what I am preparing for.

weekend wishlist

-feed myself
-clean out fridge

So I realize how inconsistent my mood / thinking is.

I think this is a new development for me. I think I'm changing. I think this is good.

I feel different today.

I guess I took a yoga class last night when I had taken a month long break from yoga - so that makes a difference.

I feel good, but a little lonely. I disabled my okc account because nobody is messaging me.

I haven't talked to David in like 9 days. I was thinking about sending him a message after he takes his big exam, but I don't know. His birthday is also coming up. I still don't know.

My relationship with the new guy I'm dating is a bit weird. I'm not sure if I want to continue with it or just be single. I think I still want to get involved with meet ups and connect with old friends. Maybe take a class. Like Spanish or Japanese.

Yesterday I ate granola bars for dinner and now I feel a bit disgusting. My apartment is still a disaster....

Sort of in a rut apartment-wise.

slow morning - i didn't feel like getting up. I think I got quite a bit of sleep though.

feeling really happy.

i like my "rebound guy" - it sort of couldn't be better.

it's nice when gratitude comes naturally.

doing much better this weekend. Remembering that last weekend was the BOTTOM. And I'm not going back there. Maybe depression is a bit like diabetes. It forces you to take really good care of yourself :)

the gym was great.

i'm tired and happy.

a bit dehydrated and in need of fresh fruits and veggies, but i can take care of that tomorrow.

good night, journal.

feeling grateful.

twinges of bad feelings about not rallying to meet up with Kevin tonight. But I really want to work out! And I have plans tomorrow. And I'm not a short notice person.

Mostly feeling good. I'm doing a nerdy LabVIEW training that is interesting to me. I even feel hopeful about getting an interesting engineering job within my company.

i love waking up early.

i feel curious about the world.

i feel grateful.

I am so grateful for today!!!

I told a coworker about my dancing in New York.

I met up with Fred and told him about David's craziness (first time telling someone all the big points)

I connected with people.

I was authentic.

I'm getting better.

I feel like I'm growing.

today was a good day.

and now I'm feeling like he's awesome, when earlier today I felt like he is shit. Why is my opinion of him such a rollercoaster?

today is shaping up to be a good day! work was good and I feel very productive about my evening...


Let's stick to this.

I'm thinking all types of negative things about David and can't think of very many positives. I'm trying to just not think about him, so my head isn't filled with negative thoughts.

This morning is going pretty well.

I need to make decisions. Simple decisions. Like when should I leave to go to starbucks? 6:15?

Uggg.... Idk. Maybe this morning isn't going too well.

do i get pleasure from lying in bed? Why am I doing this? I think I want to find balance.

today

I believe emotion drives life. -some paraphrasing of tony robbins.

Dear David

I love you. And I'm sad that it didn't work out between us. And I'm dating someone new because I thought it would take the edge off. And it is a bit. But there is still some edge. Maybe I should start drinking or smoking weed. Or taking anti-depressants.

I'm really embarrassed at how I acted when we were together and breaking up. Especially yesterday. I think my embarrassment will keep me from calling you. I think this is actually a good thing. This may be a positive thing about shame.

I know that we are not a good fit for each other. Your scary idealism and judgement is not good for me.

I don't know if I'm okay being alone. That is a crazy statement. Being alone used to be my superpower.

the REM song "Everybody hurts" helps

day one without talking to david.

i'm addicted to your love.

Or attention. Or interaction.

I just want to be social and have fun all the time. But then I realize that I have housework. Like, quite a bit.

"please be careful with me. i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way." -jewel

I am grateful that I washed my hair. It feels so much better.

men who hate women.

The way that men fetishize women is disgusting to me. It makes me so sad, because I have a need for connection with men - and it probably just will not happen. I need to figure out how life would be if I didn't have a connection to a man, because that is definitely a possibility. However, it is not something that I will easily give up. I guess women fetishize other women and men as well. Ugghhh. I am so disappointed in people.

I am rejected. I am sad.

i am grateful

I feel good now. right now.

how I feel in the mornings

I have good energy. My apartment is warm and I'm drinking water.

But, yes, I have issues with my mental health in the morning. My heart hurts. I am carrying pain and misery is the only way I can describe it. At the moment I feel okay in my head - sort of. But my heart....

My therapist thinks I should go to a doctor to get a physical. Maybe there is something to that. I've been feeling bad for such a long time (well 2 months+). I want to heal. I want to feel good in the mornings.

Maybe I should start dancing again. It is something that I really loved. I think I should get a short haircut - like chin length. I should go to Rudy's tomorrow. It's true that I haven't been eating well or exercising. I should focus on healthy habits. I'm going to try out a restaurant I haven't been to with Elizabeth this evening.

I think a depression turning point was being unemployed and having to take a hard look at my life. There are so many things I'm unsure of.

We broke up yesterday and he told me that he had had a nose job (which totally breaks my heart) about five years ago. One of the things I dislike about him is that he is very into looks (but he's not very good looking himself). I think he's physically beautiful because I like his personhood so much, but if I step back and look without bias, he is strange looking - possibly because of the plastic surgery. I think plastic surgery is sad. It's weird how this fact about him REALLY breaks my heart. He's so great in so many ways, but he is very sad. It's such a waste.

Where do you draw the line on the improvement of your looks? Is vanity more sad for men? Am I just shocked that he's such a fancy kid, and this is further proof? Am I just shocked that he's so extreme?

it was a very dignified break up.

It's not you, it's us.

the wedding industry is a one hundred billion dollar industry.

my heart is very broken. My job is to keep breathing. Eat and drink as much as I can, and not call David.

You can do it!

So, my goals are to not call David and to go to work. I don't have to be friendly or awesome or hardworking at work. I just have to show up and be there. As for the not calling David - whenever I want to call or text him I should just send a message to an old friend - or sit on my hands or something.

Your will is a muscle that you can make stronger.

Lots of stuff to think about in regards to david. I'm annoyed that my therapy is so hard to set up. i have to go to work. i need someone to talk to. i need so much more than david in some ways, but not in others.

the wisdom of youth

One of my very negative thoughts is that "if my x year old self saw my life, she would be so disappointed / disgusted".

This is a terrible thing for me to say to myself. Self acceptance is so critical. Self acceptance and being happy is part of the FOUNDATION.

Also, I didn't know what my circumstances would be at that time. I have to work within the world that is here. It's easy to say "things SHOULD be this way or that way". It's hard to see clearly. Seeing the world clearly and being knowledgeable about the world is another part of the FOUNDATION.

hopeless

sitting with pain. sitting with discomfort.

it's going to hurt alot, but i'm a brave woman.

everyone loves the underdog!

how to deal with a broken heart

i need to eat, i need to get my gym rat stuff in order,

my plan: i will spend 5 minutes meditating on something positive before packing up and going to sbucks.

30 days!

This is my 30th day blogging!  What should I do for 30 days now????

read a book for half an hour!

My day continued to be a roller coaster emotionally. I texted David twice to send him breezy, friendly messages -  think it went pretty well.

paying attention to my feelings

I have been paying attention to my feelings and they're all over the place. I woke up and felt shitty and then I thought of some positive possibilities and felt good. I actually thought about Brene Brown's suggestion to do what you love and still not quit your day job. I'm not sure if I should find some sort of balance between career and personal. And by personal I just mean learning about bodies (at least this morning). I was actually fantasizing about going to school for massage therapy. I am really interested in learning about bodies.

As far as the loneliness goes... that's a real problem, I thought about joining a bowling league or some other silly activity. I'm also going to start going to book clubs from meetup.com.

Ooh, I thought of a solution with me being a dick to David at night and in the morning. I think I have a tendency to be bored when falling asleep and when waking up. I'm also generally depressed in the morning. I was thinking that maybe I should not sleep with him, but I really enjoy sleeping with him. So my solution is putting books on tape onto my android phone and listening to books on tape on my headphones when I go to sleep.

What happens when the love you want doesn't exit?  I guess focus on your career.... hah

break up playlist

billie holiday - no regrets
adele - someone like you
Xenia - break even
Cyndi Lopper - True Colors
norah jones - man of the hour
shakira - don't bother
beyonce - irreplaceable
ani d - untouchable face


this video

I sort of feel like I wasted today, but on the bright side my mood didn't go too low and I managed to do laundry and go running.

from Brene Brown's book

Critical Awareness Questions:
What are the social community expectations of appearance?
Why do appearance expectations exist?
How does it work?
What is the impact of these expectations?
Who benefits from these expectations?

Reality Check Questions:
How realistic are my expectations?
Can I be all these things all of the time?
Do the expectations conflict with eachother?
am I describing who I want to be or who others want me to be?
If someone perceives me as having these unwanted identities what will happen?
can I control how others perceive me, how do I try?

the feelings of stress in my heart

I just texted my boyfriend twenty minutes ago and asked him if he wanted to go running today and then eat something. I haven't heard back from him and I'm feeling myself getting very impatient.

-I used to think I was a patient person-

-I'm not sure if I'm very impatient with him exclusively-

The "impatience" is very real in my heart, it makes me worried that he wants to avoid me. I don't want to call because that would seem like nagging. Furthermore, I'm ashamed that I don't have the type of relationship where I'm allowed to call my boyfriend. To some degree I'm ashamed of my relationship.

I'm reading a book about shame and becoming obsessed with the topic.

(to be continued)

Things to talk about with my therapist

I am happy with my new job. What I like about it is the lifestyle. I don't actually like what I am doing during my work time, but I like that I care about it enough to take care of myself so I can be reasonably functional during that time. It's also making my life more balanced than it was during unemployment. I didn't love free time when I was unemployed. It was burdensome.

Furthermore, there are lots of benefits that my company offers that I would have to put my financial goals aside to otherwise afford right now. The one I am really into is the mental health offer. I have some research to do to determine how much therapy will cost me with my health insurance. It may not be something that I want to spend money on at this time. There are a few health insurance options and I think some may be free and some cost money, so I have to figure out what I want. I did promise myself 6 months of weekly therapy, so I should probably stick to that. However, I have found some decent self help books so maybe that can be something I do in lieu of therapy. There's no guarantee I will find a therapist I like.

Even if I don't go through with the six months of therapy, I will definitely look into an employee mental health wellness benefit where you get six visits with a counselor for free - it has nothing to do with health insurance.

Anyways, I originally wanted this post to be about what I want to say to my therapist.

This weekend when I spent my precious time with my boyfriend (time is sort of precious to begin with and it's extra precious when it's time spent with both of us together) I acted a bit like a crazy person. I was creating drama for no reason and acting like a sex maniac. I think I have a healthy sex drive and I think David does too. Sometimes he's more into it than other times. It hurts my feelings when he's not that into it. I'm not sure if that's reasonable or not. I want him to be honest, and I recognize that he's not always going to be super into it. Hmmm.. I guess I have mixed feelings about this one. I didn't have this problem with my three other boyfriends that I dated for similar durations. I guess my only conclusion is that I shouldn't bring it up unless I have a solution. If this is how he is, this is how he is and I can take it or leave it. That's what dating is to me (and also many, many other things) deciding what you are willing to take or leave.

So we had sex and he was less into it than he had been at other times, but it was fine. He thinks he has a problem with taking too long to come - and he did not have that problem. Maybe, that's good for him, because apparently he doesn't like sex that much except for coming. He thinks there's something wrong with his penis and he is very mad at his parents for circumcising him.

(will be continued)

you gotto know when to hold em, know when to fold em...

I love waking up early and having a relaxing morning. Furthermore, I have pretty awesome weekend plans: going to the Seattle library tomorrow (it's like a tourist attraction - the downtown location, really fancy architecture, also I want to check out their music playing rooms).

(hah - I wrote that this morning before work)

just got home from the library.

Once again I'm feeling really lonely. I went onto okcupid and saw all these cute girls (explanation: since my status is "seeing someone" and "looking for friends - everybody" okcupid shows me girls and guys). There are really hot girls on okc. I sort of don't understand why anyone would want me.

I'm remembering that when I get lonely I should think of getting a dog! So much less work than people! Also I can expand my social circle with book clubs. AND... I can go out alone. I feel less lonely when I'm OUT!

Another thing that ALWAYS makes me feel better... taking a bath while listening to audio books - that's a good one.

Your Skin Makes Me Cry

Okay, cheesy emo Radiohead quote.

So I guess this post is about my boyfriend. I really miss him, but I don't want to be clingy. It wouldn't even feel freeing, expressive, and honest to be clingy right now (as it sometimes does). I want to use this feeling to motivate myself to be my best version of myself. Is it bad to be motivated by external factors? I'm going to say "no" as long as you feel good about it. I feel good about being motivated to be better, as long as I'm not working so hard at it that I am suffering. It's good if he motivates me to be cuter or take care of my apartment, because those are things I want too, right? I'm not sure. There is the philosophy that you should feel like your boyfriend likes you for who you are. He very well could, but I'm so insecure I don't think I'm good enough.

Once again it come back to me. I don't think I'm good enough.

On another note. He is a bit self-absorbed. I'm just noticing that he mostly thinks about his job and his possible ADD. He is having trouble concentrating and thinks he might have ADD.

Anyways, the sky looks freakin amazing and it's warm :)

(add on at 7:45 pm) I just got off the phone with him and I was telling him about my new job. It's sort of making my skin crawl. I can feel him judging me. I know that there is no way for me to KNOW that he is judging me. I can't read his mind. Also, I feel this way lots - from lots of people. Once again - this is a problem with me.

Worst Summer Ever!!!

As I just talked to the unemployment office and figured out my last claim, I realize that I have been unemployed for 10 weeks! (minus one day, since I started my new job on a Friday). It was definitely the worst summer vacay ever! I'm not quite sure what about it made it so terrible? Unemployment shame? Isolation caused by what? bad timing? Freaking out over having a boyfriend? I feel like I'm a person who loves free time. Maybe not during a hard time. yikes.

Early mornings are bizarre. it's also starting to get a bit cold. It's just change - not good or bad change. Neutral change.

grateful notes

-The SUN is out!
-My new job is going great!
-I'm soooo over looks-ism and it feels GOOD!
-I love knowing that I will be able to save lots of money without too much pain.
-I love Brene Brown
-I love Lindsay Dietz-Marchant's dancing

So much to do! So much to learn! I'm feeling great this morning!

Lesser of two evils? I'm still young, damnit! Should I stay or should I go?

Vulnerable Issues

-bad teeth
-small boobs
-class shame
-career shame
-being short
-relationship shame
-being unmarried
-social life
-my love / taste for certain art forms
-the shame of past failures
-the shame of being so arrogant as to try really ambitious tasks (or to appear to have, or to sound like I did, even though I wanted to take some time to learn - which I think is totally reasonable)

So many of these things are not things that I think are terrible. It's what I sort of know people think are terrible or make me a less powerful person. Yuck.

"awareness is knowing something exists. Critical awareness is knowing why it exists, how it works, how our society is impacted by it, and who benefits from it."

Gratitude

I am grateful for baths
I am grateful for flowers - specifically my lavender plant on my deck
I am grateful that the combo of the cover on my bed and the cover on my couch combined create the perfect amount of warmth for this new cool autumnal weather
I am grateful for Brene Brown's input into the media
I am grateful for Oprah's input into the media
I am grateful for the deliciousness of water when I am thirsty
I am grateful for Naked Mango Juice
I am grateful for Lady Gaga
I am grateful that my good health allows me to lead a productive life where I can improve upon the skills that are important to me.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

It is 3:48 am Sunday morning (yeah, blog posts are dated automatically, but I thought I would point that out).

My goals and priorities for the next ten years: gain knowledge to make decisions and take actions that are good for me.

This goal is the same for my five year and one year goal.

My goal for the next three months: knowledge gaining (to make a smart education and work/life balance plan that I feel good about) + community building.

Weekly goals are more difficult. I have to manage my basic day-to-day life. As a priority I need to prep for the work week (food, clothes, sleep, etc.). I also need to maintain my current relationships by calling and texting people who are important to me. I also want to take care of myself: pay attention to my feelings, exercise each day, eat well, be creative.

After basic care, I want to focus on my larger goals. I know there are information sessions through my engineering union about career counseling (I could mark that on my calendar). I also could take advantage of my companies mental health counseling for the free 6 visits. Plan to go to ballet Saturday morning (this is a maybe, as I may want to go to yoga instead). Get book club books from the library and start reading them.

There are probably some basic tasks I want to work on as well: Making progress with my apartment, fixing my computer problem, see the sjp movie that I want to see. Figure out how to transfer my health insurance.

Too Lazy to Eat

Tomorrow will be a new day and I'm sure I will take good care of myself tomorrow and I have a whole work week ahead of me after that. My first full work week at the new job. I recognize that today was sort of a wash. I went to yoga and then listened to an audio book and read a bit. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating anything I have here and I don't feel like going anywhere to get food. There's a part of me that thinks I should go pick up teriyaki, but I mostly want to rest. Sometimes you need to rest and maybe even fast.

I have shame and judgement problems and I'm dating someone with shame and judgement problems. Yikes.

long day yesterday.

morning orientation and afternoon at new jobsite.

Struggling With Myself

This has nothing to do with him. The entire problem is with me. The word problem sounds too negative. The struggle with me being in this relationship is all me. I could try to find a guy who has some tolerance for drama. This relationship is very sterile. I can't tell him how I feel. That's not how this goes for me.

happy happy happy Autumn

What should I do to celebrate?

That Sarah Jessica Parker movie is coming out tomorrow. Greg Kinear is in all these girly movies now. I guess I'm just thinking about 'Baby Mama'.

It hasn't rained yet. But it is a huge change from sunny 80 degree evenings to cloudy and cool normal Seattle weather. I still don't feel at home. I need to cultivate that sense of home. I'm not sure how to do that.

Am I okay?

I started playing online chess a bit ago. It sucks up quite a bit of time.

awesome quote from http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2011/9/15/the-woman-in-the-arena.html

"At the end of the day and at the end of my life, I want to know that I contributed more than I criticized."

trying to schedule down time into my life.

"I'm so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive"

from Brene Brown's TED talk.

Went out with an old friend tonight, it was really nice. Had some tacos at Marination Station and then went to Molly Moon's for ice cream - I had the vivace coffee ice cream, delicious!

I'm thinking about David, appreciating how it is a good thing to be with someone that you really like. I wish he would initiate us hanging out more often (I sort of feel like I am mostly doing the initiating). But I need to not attach this fact to my self value. I need to love myself. If he doesn't love me that does not reflect on me. He is external. I can only focus on myself.

Wholesome

I was reminded of the word and concept of "wholesomeness" recently. I was watching an episode of 'Louie' with David, where Louie is on a USO tour with some other performers including cheerleaders. 'Louie' does his set which has some raunchy jokes and when he is later talking to a cheerleader she says she was offended and wonders why he can't be Christian and funny. Later on he shows her that his daughter has put a baby duck in his luggage to keep him safe in Afghanistan and he makes some little joke about it and she says "see, that was funny and Christian". David said that he hates it when people use the word "Christian" when they actually mean "wholesome".

I think I am missing something wholesome in my life. Everything seems cynical and jaded and sort of too harsh. I sort of want the cute puppies or whatever. Hmmm, I guess my lavender plant counts as wholesome. Reading books counts as wholesome. Even reading the yoga blogs that I have been into counts as wholesome. Baking = definitely wholesome. Chess is wholesome. Learning about science and economics is wholesome. So there are some ideas that I can look into.

Social Networking Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself

This is a well documented phenomenon.

Social networking makes people feel bad about themselves, because everyone shows the best sides of themselves, so you feel relatively deprived when you look at their pictures.

Easy solution. Don't look. Don't compare myself to other people. My goal is to feel good. My goal is to feel good.

Advice

There has been some advice over the years that I have found useful. I've been taking alot from yoga philosophy lately and Brene Brown's ideas on shame.

My mantra today while sitting quietly in yoga was "I am worthy of love and connection now without prerequisites. I want to use my time towards goals that are important to me. Those goals are community, romantic love, beauty, and career/wealth."

That's sort of a long mantra and it doesn't sort too much out. I have been spending lots of time on my couch just reading yoga blogs and thinking about life. I think this is a good use of my time. I'm over feeling bad about not cleaning or doing whatever I think I should be doing. Next week I'm going to have a full week of work which is crazy. I hope I can do it.

Green Eyed

I guess I always have to write about something negative too (my last post was pretty innocuous).

My boyfriend had this crush on this woman he works with. She's better than me by some very basic and societally approved metrics: tall instead of short, straight hair instead of curly hair, bilingual, richer, younger, she also works in his same field as my boyfriend (which has a higher earning potential than mine (although I probably have a better salary than her at this moment) but I may not in the future unless I step up my education (get a PhD), shift professions (like become an IP lawyer instead of an engineer), or do the MBA and get promoted lots route). I honestly think I am cooler and better looking, but maybe not in his eyes.

Sooo, apparently they hooked up a few times last year and he was in love with her and she rejected him. Soooo, I'm jealous. yuck!!!!

I should note that his crush on her and his hooking up with her happened a year before we met, but they are still friends.

I'm not jealous at this moment, but I get weird tweaks of jealousy now and then. It feels gross. I hate it. Where does jealousy come from? I'm trying to practice self acceptance and self love, maybe these things are related?

Going Out Is Fun

My boyfriend is very cheap, so we mostly stay in and cook. I like it, but I like going out too. I think it is fine if I go out with other friends and we do our cheap thing together. I mean, I could start buying groupons and going out with him that way, because he does really like deals. However, one plus to his cheapness is that I am learning more about cooking (something I'm pretty clueless about).

I went to Canlis and it was totally fun and totally worth it. I was only blown away by the foe grois (which my boyfriend would hate due to the animal cruelty). I probably don't need foe grois, I just really like liver. Other than that I thought the food was good, but I wasn't blown away. But that's just me. I still liked the experience of meeting up with old friends and having fun.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with a different old friend. I sort of want to do something super low key like this food truck station that it quite good and cheap. Maybe froyo or beers after.

Maybe Still Depressed

After a pretty challenging yoga class today I was tired. The class ended at 1 and I needed to rest for quite a bit to feel normal. I feel like I have been eating quite a bit lately too - but maybe I'm not eating enough still. Today, I want to make sure I'm hungry for dinner because I'm going to Canlis which is quite expensive.

I'm committed to going to Canlis and having fun. It's the favorite restaurant of lots of people, so I should experience it once. I do feel like it's a bit too expensive for me at this time, but I already made plans with Elizabeth. I'm catching David's cheapness. What IS it with the cheapness? It's just money. Having a fabulous time is important. Socializing is important.

Furthermore, I chose to go. I am having problems with making a choice and then changing my mind. This isn't even a big choice. Maybe I'll spend 100 bucks. But I'll have this experience with an old friend. I'll see another old friend there (I know the semolier there). I'll have a new experience. I guess new experiences are always a bit tough because you don't know what to expect. I've gone to fancy, expensive dinners before, but this is the first time I have to pay (haha). And I only have to pay for myself, it's not like I'm on a date and I'm the man (haha).

On a separate note. At this moment, I am really lonely. I guess I'm a bit scared to start a new job. I think I'll feel very lonely around new people that I don't know. I'm going to meet another old friend for dinner tomorrow night, so maybe that will feel good. I'm not sure.

It is strange how much putting wall hangings up in my living room makes me feel better about my life. I guess it's just a bit of change. Also, they look really good. And they were free (old pictures from apartments past - I had originally wanted to buy new stuff, but this is actually not a great time for me to be spending money on new stuff).

My relationship feels stable, and I feel stable.

One thing about control. I don't know how much control over myself / my life I should have. This sort of relates to the whole being too hard vs. too easy on yourself. The example of my feeling like I don't have very much control over myself is when this morning I was woken up by my alarm clock at 6:30. I'm unemployed and I don't have anywhere to be until 12 (yoga), but I set my alarm for 6:30 because I was in bed at 10:30 and 8 hours of sleep sounds reasonable. I didn't get out of bed until 8. I was sort of sleeping, sort of listening to npr and thinking. Should I feel bad about this? I definitely always feel a little bad when I over sleep. But I didn't really commit to myself that I would wake up at exactly 6:30 and do something. I give myself leeway in my life because I don't enjoy being very regimented, but I judge myself when I'm not regimented.

Does judging myself help me? So Brene Brown talks about shame vs. guilt. Shame meaning "I am bad", while guilt means "I did something bad". I think in this case where I am in the shame category. I feel attached to my inability to wake up at the time that I set my alarm. I feel like this isn't normal - that most people can wake up easily after 8 hours of sleep. Most people sleep much less (even though not sleeping is not healthy). So maybe I shouldn't attach this thing to me?

Funemployment

I have been reading lots about emotions here: http://reallifeyoga.blogspot.com/

She talks about feeling disappointed and judging yourself. About deciding what is the right amount of effort to put into feeling disappointed. Should you completely detach yourself from your achievement and never feel disappointed? Should you be hard on yourself? The answer is always somewhere in the middle.

I feel disappointed that I didn't accomplish too much during my funemployment. I was funemployed for 9 weeks after all. I had a crisis and recovered from said crisis. I learned alot about my boyfriend. I trained for and ran my first 5k. I gained the ability to do some ashtanga inversion balances that I previously could not do. I thought lots about my Dad becoming cognitively disabled and how this effects my family and parents in particular. I put wall hangings up in my living room.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I guess this post is about the idea of 'self improvement'. When I was reading lots of OkCupid profiles, I was shying away from people who seemed really into 'self improvement'. Something about it doesn't seem fun. Brene Brown talks about perfectionism coming from shame, and I guess I was thinking that 'self improvement' came from perfectionism, when in fact it CAN come from healthy striving. In conclusion I want to make the distinction between 'self improvement' (or really any goal oriented activity) that is based on perfectionism vs. healthy striving. Because I see the value in healthy striving. It can be a fun and worthwhile activity.

I want to focus on supporting habits that make my job as easy as possible for me (like ya know - packing good lunches, giving myself plenty of time to drive to work, knowing what I want to wear to work, packing good tea, having sweets for sugar rushes (hopefully from healthy sources like fruit), stuff like that). I also want to read more about economics, history, and science. And of course some apartment improvement projects would be nice. I'm not going to worry too much about improving my looks for now - although I do want to do the whole health check up bit when I get the really good health insurance starting in October. Additional healthy striving includes taking care of my social life. Making sure I am putting energy toward my current relationships as well as building new relationships - meeting new people (especially people in capitol hill). Also, ummm, eat more veggies!!!!

I'm sort of disappointed in my lack of personal motivation. Like now that I have this external thing (work) motivating me, I'll take better care of myself. Like I have to work so I better take care of myself so I can function. But when I was unemployed that went out the window and it didn't matter if I was starving and dirty. The whole thing is so weird. I guess I recognize that was a huge diss to myself. I'm important regardless of whether I'm doing something that requires lots of dedication to external demands.

My funemployment taught me alot. About self care, purpose, relationships, vanity, knowledge. It was 9 weeks well spent. And I'm going to a fancy dinner tomorrow (Canlis!) to celebrate my cross over into the world of employment!

Movies

I'm thinking about starting to see movies based on actors. Like watching all of Charlotte Gainsbourg, Daniel Day-Lewis, and Kate Winslett's movies. Another good one might be Ryan Gosling. - Oh and maybe Paul Newman? And, movies directed by Clint Eastwood.

There was also a movie I saw at scarecrow that I wanted to see. Written by Charlie Kaufman and Directed by Michele Gondry - Perfect! It's starring Tim Robbins and I think it's called 'Human Nature'

I've calmed down quite a bit. I don't feel depressed. I feel like my old self. I doubt I'll feel depressed once I start working again. But I do want to keep thinking about my life and I also want to take advantage of my really great health insurance to see a therapist once a week for 6 months.

i'm tired. I woke up at 5 this morning. Tomorrow morning I need to bring my passport and report to the new job, just to do some logistic stuff and then I'm spending the day with my dad. Last weekday I get to spend with my dad - as I will now be working a traditional full time schedule and I have been acting as a care taker for him for too long. Bitter sweet.

So my relationship feels a bit unsteady and it sort of always has. Right now I'm looking at a picture of us and he looks so handsome and I look so happy. I don't know what I want from this relationship. We're really different. Ugh, I need to think more about this topic, write down our history and how things have been going. I think he's so beautiful. And it's not a superficial thing. When you like people, you think they are better looking than other people do. Ugh, that's not the point. The point is I think he is very, very lovely. But, we don't have alot in common, etc. I need to sort this out.

quote from http://reallifeyoga.blogspot.com/2010/10/we-choose-to-go-to-moon.html

and a paraphrase of jfk's speech:

"We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy but because it is hard, not because we have to but because we want to, because it is fun and exciting to meet the challenges that life gives us."

My apartment was hot this morning, and although I was conscious around 8:15, I didn't get out of bed until 9. But when I opened both my windows there was the most beautiful cross-breeze. Ahhh, simple pleasures - also the sun is SHINING. Plus, I have an excuse not to exercise today because I'm running a 5K tomorrow morning. I enjoy exercise and I sort of want to go to yoga today - but my body is tired! I will probably do a fair share of walking today though.

I've been in a bit of a depressed rut during my 9 weeks of unemployment (like pain scale of 1-10, a few times was an 8). It's been a really hard time. In yoga yesterday we were talking about our root chakra and our sense of home. I think my old job and the people there were a big part of my sense of home. Speaking of home - I need to get my house in order, literally. I have been in my apartment for a year now and I don't have anything hanging on the walls and my furniture is sparse. This is not okay! It is also giving me this sense of failure that I can't get my shit together. I need to be nicer to myself - I have been busy with change and new experience. Not to mention that I grew up in a messy house, so I don't really have the training to keep a nice place. Another aspect of my life that was starting to feel like "home" was my boyfriend. That isn't going so well right now either. I am getting along pretty well with my family. I suppose my Dad's sickness has also disturbed my sense of home. Yikes, this root chakra is bringing up quite a bit.

So I was a bit depressed this morning. I didn't eat dinner last night after I had done a practice 5K (I want to take better care of myself in the future). I just ate some chocolate froyo, a peach, and a banana. So I woke up hungry, parched, and hot. I pretty much always wake up parched and my apartment was pretty hot last night as it was in the 80s outside as soon as I opened my windows it cooled down and I will eat some toast with peanut butter now. I would say the pain this morning was 7/10. Two solutions: make better decisions so that I won't wake up depressed including not going to bed hungry. I do this at my boyfriend's house too. Going to bed hungry is a bad idea. Another thing: get better at coping with the pain of depression. As soon as I move forward I feel better. Even turning on the radio near my bed makes me feel better.

When I was a little kid (like elementary school age) I would stop moving in the morning - I wasn't a morning person and I would sit around and my Mom would tell me to "keep moving". The not being a morning person has been part of me for most of my life. I'm starting a new job where I will be waking up early (and I even want to try to wake up very early and go swimming before work - this way I will get my work-out out of the way and I will also have an easier commute because I will go to the gym by my work which is a freeway commute away). I'm excited about my new regimented life and it will be a very good salary. I still have to think of my long-term career plan and also my life plan. My new job also provides excellent health insurance so I'm going to start seeing a therapist once a week for six months.

thxthxthx

Dear depression,

Thanks for making me so appreciative when I am in a good mood :)

I copied the "thxthxthx" idea from this blog: http://thxthxthx.com/

the power of writing, speaking, and non-attachment

"The great thing about saying something out loud or writing down is seeing how ridiculous it is."




"I think I will choose vairagya for our yoga word today.  It means non-attachment.  That can refer to a lot of things, but it has always seemed to me that the ultimate non-attachment is not attaching my sense of myself, my idea of who I am, my self-worth to things outside of me, like making the right decision or the weather.  I’m okay when it’s snowing, when I stay home, when I am anxious, when I don’t know."


from this blog post:


http://reallifeyoga.blogspot.com/2010/11/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-now.html

paralyzed by even the simplest decisions.

I'm finding so many interesting ideas from blogs. This one came from http://reallifeyoga.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-i-learned-at-gym-today.html


"...promising myself I’m going to do something and then doing it feels really good."


I totally agree. I'm just bad at actually accomplishing this.

Quote from the blog I'm reading: http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2011/4/7/in-the-weeds.html

"I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened, but I've managed to convince myself that every second of white space in my life - every tiny sliver of downtime - could and should be utilized for "getting 'er done."" 


I have a problem with feeling bad about myself. Feeling like I'm wasting my time. Wasting my money. Wasting my talents. Etc. It will be better not to feel bad.

"It is not enough to love; we must prove it."

lovely, lovely, lovely

http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2011/8/18/once-you-are-real-you-cant-be-ugly.html

"I try to manage my insecurities with something I call my Bulletproof Positive Attitude. It basically means to me that I am here for my own journey. I do not compare myself to others. I do kill myself with expectations. I don't talk myself out of chances. I do not listen too closely to the criticisms OR THE accolades - because BOTH are dangerous. I silence the doubts and fears that get in the way of the task at hand - making art."




Quote from an interview on this blog:
http://www.ordinarycourage.com/ 

Shame and vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Just watched this beautiful TED talk on shame and vulnerability.

More quotes from a yoga blog

"And besides, I would suspect that a lot of the time we actually want multiple, possibly conflicting things anyway, like me and jury duty. When I acknowledge all of my wants in that situation, then whatever happens is okay—part of me is relieved and part of me is disappointed and all of me is okay."


Yes, whatever happens is okay. This is a hard concept for me right now. When I have conflicting wants it seems like every possibility is NOT okay. But it is not helpful to me to look at it that way.

The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.  –Anne Lamott 

I had a bad dream about a mean girl from my childhood. It involved some girls breaking into my car and stealing my journal that I had been keeping. The weird thing is a scenario like this happened when I was in elementary school and at a birthday party some friends found my diary in my room and read it. It had thoughts about me not having very many friends and being sad about that, and my being jealous of my younger sister who had lots of friends. I guess through many moments throughout my life I have been ashamed of my lack of friends. At this point in my life I could either work toward not being ashamed of this fact, or work toward making new friends. The same thing goes for my career, my apartment, my relationship. I'm so disappointed in everything right now. It doesn't help to be disappointed. Action will make me feel more in control.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do / With your one wild and precious life?”


My honest answer is to live comfortably (not like comfort as in luxury - but basically I just want to live). I just want to live. So simple. I don't have to be a professional dancer. I just have to live. I don't even have to live to the best of my ability! That sort of feels freeing to say.

“If I am suffering it is because I am choosing something over ending suffering.” 


Another yoga quote.  I'm going to go ahead and play devils advocate. Say you are in a relationship and you are suffering because it is not quite right. But you KNOW that when you leave the relationship you will be in much PAIN and feel much LOSS. Maybe I should break up and go on some dream trip or something. I think I would enjoy travel. that's a plan! I want my condo! I want! I want! and I want my month vacay from Boeing in two years!

 "if we’re unhappy in a certain situation, we can choose acceptance or we can do something,"


Quote from a yoga blog. This is true, but does this mean we shouldn't explore and decide whether or not we are going to accept or we are going to do something. I guess my rut is in the deciding whether I should accept or do something, or be somewhere in the middle. That's another point. I am so in the middle of acceptance and doing something on so many topics in my life. 

I feel like myself today. Pretty content, a bit lazy.

I want to die, and I want someone to care that I want to die.

My Best Friend Is Too Busy For Me

I should start this post by saying that I know I really need to take better care of myself. This includes eating better and taking better care of my home. Also, getting out on the town and making new friends and connecting with old friends.

I really wish my bestie would pick up his phone. This is breaking my heart a bit, even though I sort of understand.

you're just like an angel. your skin makes me cry.

I woke up with a UTI. Yuck so annoying. Gotta step up the hydration!

Quote from PBS's 'This Emotional Life':

"Everyone's nice until you get to know them"

This was said by a subject (as opposed to one of the experts). 

I'm reading an excerpt from a Tony Robbins book. He's a cheesy motivational speaker. There's a quote that resonated with me:

No corporation or individual is satisfied with achieving a certain level of success. True fulfillment occurs only through a sense that we are constantly growing and contributing.

My relationship gives me so much pleasure and pain. Still not sure what to do. I guess communication is key.

I just get so hung up on things being perfect. That it ruins everything. I sort of hate my bed and beds all together. Maybe tonight I'll pull out my sofa or sleep on my yoga mat. Maybe I just need more seating around my apartment.

coping strategies

Today I woke up and felt crappy as usual, but I got on my yoga mat at about 730 and did some visualizations and stretching. Now I feel great. I guess the trick is to be well enough to do that. Self care is very important.

I feel like I want to take a nap, but how could I possibly be tired. It's true that I don't sleep that well at the boyfriend's house - but I've been sleeping so much in general.

Getting my laundry done would be GREAT!

I still have this feeling that I want to die and that I am in pain. I also feel exhausted - but that could be due to not spending any time alone.

Had a great time with my boyfriend last night, although I was still a bit fatigued. I feel like I need more of an intellectual and even competitive challenge in my life.

Today was a great day! Hopefully it will stay great with my visit to the boyfriend's house. I swam, took a yoga class, and ran around greenlake. I also caught up with an old friend. 

I think I will have fun tonight.

sleeping and waking

Today is supposed to be beautiful. My only plans: Go to yoga at 11 and go to Greenlake with a friend at 3. I used to love days with no plans, but I guess I am a bit unbalanced, with the unemployment and everything. I wish I was more scheduled and had more plans.

I slept from 8 pm to 4am pretty much last night. I'm still in my bed (I'm bored of my couch - bored of my apartment - I would like to do a few things to fix it up), but I got up and did a few things: loaded the dishwasher, froze the lentils (finally - I hope they're not already bad), ate oatmeal for breakfast, listened to KUOW (BBC and NPR's morning edition).

My mother has this thing that instead of complaining you should make a statement of something you would like to improve. So instead of saying "I'm lonely", you should say "I would like to participate in some activities where I will meet people". I guess the problem with depression is that you don't feel like doing anything. The problem with my situation is that I will be starting a new job on Friday (yay!) so I just have to make it until Friday. I will meet lots of new people when I start my new job - I'm very excited.

Another thing that I can do in order to connect with people is write letters to my friends that I no longer see. I could also make plans with my friends that I don't see. There are some that I haven't yet contacted - I'm thinking of someone specific that lives near me.

I think that I will go lap swimming this morning. Then yoga, then running around greenlake. Lots of exercise. It will feel good to be in shape again.

I'm lonely and I'm ashamed of my loneliness.

The bad feelings passed. Maybe I just have to let myself feel bad. It will pass.

Lower expectations on what you think you “should be doing”


This tip was on a list called Self-care strategies for dealing with stress, trauma and crisis...


I like this tip. But how low can my expectations be. 


This is a great tip for me. High expectations are wonderful - but not if they make you feel terrible.

I know that I would never kill myself, but it's bad that I want to kill myself. It's not a good feeling.

I feel bad.

There is a silent meditation at my yoga center tonight, but I'd rather go to a support group. Maybe I should go anyway, just to get out of the house. I want to go and be around other people. Can I do that on such short notice? Can I do that when I look like shit? I am so tired of the superficiality of the world. I don't care too much about the looks of others. Whatever, I guess I am a huge hypocrite, per usual.

My heart feels so broken. My life feels so bad. I know there were very happy times, and I know there will be happy times again, but for now I feel bad. I think this is a true quarter life crisis. I think I feel really bad at where I have ended up at this moment. I wish I had worked a bit harder, and I wish I had a bit of better luck. Sure, the shitty economy had something to do with it. Sure my parents had something to do with it.

My body feels sooo weak. I remember being strong. Being weak sucks! In a way that is why I probably should have gone running around green lake today.

Friday Night Alone

There is something extra depressing about a Friday night alone. Especially when you have a boyfriend. But, I do want to give him some space. I don't know why I convinced him to be back with me. What do I think this is? I clearly don't understand relationships. That's why I have to practice right?

I guess I am practicing getting clear in my head while I am dating someone? I don't know, I'm so confused. I know that being in his arms feels like heaven (and I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy).

I should go run around Greenlake, it will still be sunny for awhile.

of course i am eating junk food and getting stuck. i really need to freeze those lentils.

felt great after yoga. Now for lunch. and freezing the lentils i made on tuesday.

larger tasks

All I want to do is get dressed for yoga and eat enough to have energy for yoga. I have an hour to do this. can I do it? go frida go!

Feeling better

trying to focus on committing to doing small tasks. It seems like getting up to do a small task gets me motivated to do larger tasks. go Frida go!

can't get off the couch

I'm not tire, I don't need to sleep. It's my depression and lack of purpose. I'm going to give myself one task. Clean up all the dishes in my apt. ready - set  - go.

NO PURPOSE

Once again I have no purpose. A new day to fill up. But no purpose. No value. I guess I will watch project runway at my sister's house at 9, which will be exciting. That is my only plan. Maybe lots of working out, eating, and cleaning. Maybe I'll see the movie "The Future" which looks really good to me.

Yesterday my boyfriend called me just to talk which made me so happy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying someone's company until they inevitably dump you? I think if you like someone that is all you can do. Let them motivate you to be better and when you are rejected - keep breathing until you can seek more pleasure. Maybe I should think of an awesome activity for us to do? That is mostly free and where he can spend some time studying?

It is very sunny outside.

Service.
We have friends who always have a very, very messy house. 3 young girls, great imaginations, a lot of dress-up clothes, craft, renovations, and you know the rest. They frequently invite other families over for lunches and dinners, and have long joked that it’s a service to the parents, to make them feel better about the state of their own houses.

Then I found this in another blog:
“When you’re mentally ill you are constantly doing social work just by existing. I realize that often, when you’re crazy you actually need social services for yourself, but just by talking about yourself to people who aren’t feeling that great about themselves, you are able to instantly make them feel glad they aren’t you. That’s a great service to offer.”

In the Bible, in Romans 5:3-4 it says:
“we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Why do I hate myself?

Rationally I know that I'm a good person and I am doing my best. Well at least I think I'm a good person. Maybe I'm disappointed that I'm not doing my best.

depression

I got a lot of sleep last night. I'm bored. But I'm also unmotivated. Nothing sounds good.

I know that I should get out of the house.

Adi wants to run, but that does not sound fun to me.

Maybe I should take myself to a movie.

At least I'm eating.

"The need to find meaning … is as real as the need for trust and for love, for relations with other human beings." — Margaret Mead

Yikes.

"Changing directions in life is not tragic; losing passion in life is." —Max Lucado 

There are so many great Eleanor Roosevelt quotes

I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision. — Eleanor Roosevelt


I should learn more about Eleanor Roosevelt. And American history, and history in general.

FEAR

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in
which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to
yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing
that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. —
Eleanor Roosevelt


I did the scary phone interview yesterday morning! And I learned a bit and feel proud that I did it!

I am a social creature

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever
situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the
greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions,
and not upon our circumstances. — Martha Washington


This quote is cute, but it makes me realize that it's hard to be cheerful and happy when I am alone. I am a social creature and being unemployed has given far too much alone time.

I just don't REALLY want anything right now.

"The thing you really believe in always happens . . . and the belief in a thing makes it happen." — Frank Lloyd Wright


I know what it feels like to want something and I have some incredible accomplishments in my life. Of course I am most proud of being helpful to my family in a time of need. I am second most proud of moving to New York to learn more about dancing.


When I want something I can do it.


Not to totally discount the factor of age. Maybe when I wanted something I could do it, when I was 22 or 24.


But there are so many fantastic older women doing amazing things: My idols of course being Martha Stewart, Teri Gross, and Joan Rivers. Note that Martha Stewart and Joan Rivers both have only one child, while Teri Gross is childless. Also, that neither Martha Stewart nor Joan Rivers is married. I don't necessarily need a family of my own to be awesome.


I will be happier when I determine what I REALLY want to do. Until then I should enjoy the freedom that the absence of WANT brings.

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." — Casey   

Business...

"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted." — Marie O'Conner


To paraphrase from "He's Just Not That Into You" - 'Busy is another word for asshole'. Actually that may be a verbatim quote.

Be Your Best Self...

or as Oprah says, "Lead your best life" Although these aren't exactly the same thing - or are they?

Pickup artists teach men not to just "be yourself", but to "be your best self" in order to pick up women.

Does motivation matter?

Sometimes I think any motivation is good motivation, especially when I'm feeling very unmotivated. But, the best motivation - the most useful - comes from deep down. That sounds so cheesy, but it is true for me.

I have a job interview today that I don't think I'll be very good at. Like, during the interview I'm going to be orally tested on circuits which I don't feel brushed up at. Would my best self do this? Probably not. I don't need to - I'm already committed to accepting a different job offer. I may be wasting my time and theirs.

On the other hand:

If I were my best self I would feel more comfortable with circuits, because a) I just worked as an electrical engineer for the past 19 months, and b) I am an electrical engineer by training.

But I'm not. I was doing specific things at my last job, and my general knowledge is not really there. I did graduate from the EE program in 2005 - that's 6 years ago.

Also, if I was my best self I would not cancel on people last minute.

Most importantly, if I was my best self I would not be so afraid of failure or of appearing stupid. It is actually completely reasonable that I don't remember general EE fundamentals. It's not great, it's not over-achieving, but it's reasonable.

It is 10 til 8 and the interview is at 10. I'll feel better after I eat a good breakfast...

Quoty - some thoughts on my new depression

"The secret of a leader lies in the tests he has faced over the whole course of his life and the habit of action he develops in meeting those tests." — Gail Sheehy


I don't know who Gail Sheehy is. I am currently battling with depression and certainly feel "tested". I'm not sure of the appropriate places to turn to for help. I have gone to see a therapist once and will call her today to try to set up an appointment for this week. I think the most concerning fact of my depression is the weight loss. I am typically on the skinny side and the weight loss due to depression is putting me in the underweight category. I feel like I look gross.


Furthermore, I am dating someone who I really like - and I may have messed things up with him due to my depression. I want to practice what I want. I want to practice being in a good relationship. Even if it doesn't work out with this particular guy, if I practice these skills - I will have these skills in my next relationship. It can also help out with my friendships.


So maybe I should do what the yogis say and focus on my practice.

Some adjectives I would use to describe dating:

exciting, fun, stressful, awkward, horrifying, humiliating, shame-inducing