Is boredom necessary

I used to think that in order for me to make myself do tasks that I didn't want to do I had to let myself become so bored that those tasks would be the lesser evil. Not sure if this is a mistake....

d

I'm just going to let my heart be broken. Just keep breathing.

money

It's really hard for me to spend money. And the thing is - I sort of have a lot of money and need to spend it. But I don't want to. It's weird. I should be grateful for having this non-problem. I guess the real problem is that my apartment is a bit messy. Not CRAZY messy, just a bit messy. And my clothes are a bit shabby. Again not CRAZY shabby, just a bit shabby. And I do think that when I get my shit together it will all get better. I don't know if I am wasting my life living in a messy apartment, wearing shabby clothes.

tired, annoyed, bored, and horny

thinking of d

I'm not sure if it's more of an addiction thing, or more of a legit "i like you" thing. Feeling very confused about my own feelings. Probably should just think about something else.

I guess the problem is that i'm bored. I need something cool to do. Gretchen Rubin says that one strategy to dealing with boredom is adding the word "meditation" after your task. So this is the "getting ready for work meditation".

ddddd

I guess I'm at this point where I feel like d is a super negative influence.... this has happened before...

feeling judged by d

I feel very judged by d and I have no reason to believe that it is true. I guess my hint is that he judges others quite harshly.

it is morning.

Woke up feeling the dull sadness.

The great and tricky thing about my job is that I have some flexibility as to when I show up. If I show up late, then I should stay late. It's the whole paradox of choice thing. I don't know what I should do right now.

feeling really unhappy - eating lots of sugar

I've been having junk food issues lately.

Also, I feel sad right now. It's not a terrible sadness. A dull disappointed/'things aren't perfect' sadness. I guess it's Sunday and although I didn't have terribly ambitious plans for this weekend, I am still disappointed in myself. I didn't write that draft letter (that I probably just WON'T write - I can't decide), didn't clean my apartment (not entirely true I did put many of my dishes away). I had a great time with d, but maybe we wore out each other's welcome. I guess the drinking last night and watching p, wasn't advisable - I feel weird because of it.

"I want to accept myself as I am, but also expect more from myself" - right now, this means I would like to make myself a decent dinner....

Confusion

It's Friday morning. I have a few tentative "maybe" plans for this weekend. I don't know if I want to do any of them. I maybe just want to relax, but that might be a bad idea, as I may end up wallowing. I want to figure out a way for my apartment to be clean. I don't know if that requires hiring maids? Basically, I feel really overwhelmed. My apartment is VERY out of control and it makes me feel ashamed. My landlords have to do some work in here - totally unnecessary work, they are adding floor tracks to the closets and I really don't want them in here. I can't wait to have my own home, even though that will be awhile, because I'm not into living on the super cheap.

I feel ugly. I can't decide if I should just live with the way I look, or take steps to improve it. This is SUCH a highschool/teenager issue. Hmmm, maybe if I see a crazy deal for invisalign in groupon I will buy it, but I guess I'm not at a place where I want to pay full price.

I have an appointment for some waxing this evening. That's throwing money around enough. I really want to spend some time with my body, doing yoga, pilates, barre, something. My body does not feel good and that's making me really sad. I know I should just accept that this is how my body feels right now.

I'm also disappointed in men. I wish they were more entertaining and interesting. So boring and simple....

I probably just feel a bit gross due to all the junk food I ate yesterday, although it was quite satisfying at them time :)

"I want to kill myself"

Soooo, not literally, or at least this is not something I would actually do....

But I hate the pressure I have on myself right now. It really sucks.

Update from next day (6/18):

I realize I worry for no reason. I had a bunch of stuff to get done today and it did get done, and everything worked out, and everyone was nice. I am really grateful that my job is full of really nice people.

charlie sheen

I think I sometimes have delusions of grandeur on a small scale. It is good because it makes me try things that are HARD. I like trying things that are HARD. It makes me GROW. The happiness-project woman places a lot of emphasis on living "in a spirit of growth". I think it's NORMAL and NATURAL to have these grand feelings about one's self and one's abilities once in awhile. It definitely feels obnoxious to share them with others. For example, I told D all this stuff about my dancing. I have very grandiose ideas about art and dancing. I'm not sure if these thoughts are helpful. Maybe they give me hope of a better life.

Writing my personal statement

It is frustrating that I not doing very well with this task.

"I want to accept myself, and also expect more of myself"

And I want to work calmly and happily.

on love and relationships

 “There is no love; there are only proofs of love.” 


One thing that is so heart-breaking and stressful about my relationship with D, is that it doesn't feel "right". He doesn't love me. He's moving away. He's like an addiction. HE'S LIKE AN ADDICTION. 


This should sound familiar to me, because it has happened before.


I want to be happy being single, but I also want to look for a suitable partner.

Gratitude

I'm grateful that I'm getting all these little kicks out of my rut. Like the trip to AZ and this camping trip and the recent sing alongs with sisters and D.

I sort of feel like without constant little kicks I'll be in a not so great rut...

Today's identity: writer

There have been times throughout my life where I have wanted to be a writer. So that will be my identity tonight (and tomorrow). Apparently I need a narrative and "writer" is a pretty glamorous one. I have been writing here, writing people on okc, and what I really need to do... Write my SCARY personal statement and draft letters and updated resume. I am scared.

separation anxiety

I feel very happy and comfortable with D even though things are far from perfect. Perfect and in control is what I long for and I have to remember that that is impossible. So.... then, I am also worried about making a mistake - wasting time on something that will never work.

What I wanted to talk about is separation anxiety. After I leave his side, I feel freaked out. Like I will never see him again. I have been seeing him pretty consistently lately. He is planning on moving away. He doesn't like his life here. I think I would like to find a good therapist to talk about this with.

Camping

Went on a lovely camping trip.

I did have a bit of a freak out at one point, getting mad at D. I don't want to dwell on this. The positive thing that came out of this is that expressed many of my feelings. In a perfect world I could express my feelings without getting mad, but I am accepting myself and being kind to myself. I am imperfect, and not in control of everything. I have to accept that. That sounds RIDICULOUS, because it is so obvious, but in some areas of my life I really WANT to be perfect and in control. PERFECT AND IN CONTROL. Yuck. That's tough. Here is a quote from ADB:

"At times there's no point reasoning with certain moods - one just has to let them pass, as one would bad weather."


I got a decent amount of exercise on this trip - lots of walking, which was really fun. We also took photos of ourselves...

Fantasy Identities

There's a tip in Happiness-Project to channel your other identities, when a particular one isn't going well.  I think I can extend this to fantasy identities, mine including (both normal and fantasy):

-dancer
-student
-worker
-family member
-dating girl
-fashion/beauty girl
-housekeeper/homemaker/interior designer
-knitter
-runner
-yogi
-writer
-scientist/engineer/researcher

There are probably so many more. I used to think that identities are stupid - but now I see that they can be a tool for organizing your self and also trying on a different self (If only for a few hours to take a break from the self that isn't going so well...).

I was worried this morning that I slept too much. I think I woke up once at 6 am and then I woke up for real at 8 am. I think I went to bed very early, maybe 9:30 pm. The day before I worried that I slept too little. Went to bed at 1 and woke up around 7 (ended up hanging out in bed for awhile - but still). It's not like the worry is TOTALLY pointless. It does help me to look at this very important bodily and emotional need - SLEEP. But I want to change it from worry to like worriless observation - pleasant mindfulness. Maybe less judging - just noticing. Sounds hard.

Not in a terrible mood this morning - hopefully will get on with my MSEE application so I can move forward with my LIFE!