The Wisdom of Kanye West

"So they made us hate ourselves and love their wealth"

So when I look at my posts about liking a fancy guy and wanting a 600K house I don't really recognize myself. But I don't blame myself, and it's not totally about status. It's also about just liking things that are nice. I mean nice shit has some actual value, right?

Heartbreak from E

Dear E,

It seems that I should be used to this by now. I have been in love many times. I have gotten hurt many times, often over and over again by the same person. Sometimes it takes a while to learn.

You are a nice person, and your manners and good habits are extremely impressive. I want manners and habits like yours. You are nice looking and confident, but still very human. You are fancy. You are the richest , fanciest man I have ever dated; and this made me realize something that I did not know before. I want to be rich and fancy. I thought that I wanted money for other reasons, so that I could support my art, but now I found another reason. I guess this helps me solidify my desire for a 600K house.

Although wanting can cause suffering, I don't think that it does in this case. It gives me a guide to follow. It is perhaps a lonely road, but a starving artist was also a lonely road. I live in the extremes and I can't really help it. I can try to nurture "well-roundedness", and maybe that is a worthy goal. But cultivating a rich social life is a lot of work for me. It does not come easily. And although I value a rich social life, I'm not sure the sacrifices are worth it.

Those are just some ideas to think about for myself....

Will Power

I think I would be much happier if I had better or more will power. I think this is something to focus on this week.

Depression isn't the end of the world

I've read that you can do so much when you're depressed. And that's true. Sometimes I freak out that since I'm depressed - I am doomed. And that is not true. At all.

I have suffered from a bit of depression and I still was able to accomplish so much in terms of living in different cities, getting a lot accomplished with school, dating great guys, and having a great, high paying career. It's true that I can't afford a 600K house in seattle (yet), but I don't know anyone my age who can and it is not an impossible goal for me.

Clearly, I don't feel well because of my Spring time allergies, and not feeling well (and fatigue from asthma) is adding to my down mood and lack of will power.

The good thing about depression is that it lets you focus on what is important. Which is and always is - living well day to day while building a foundation to support the rest of my life.

seeing d's okcupid profile made me feel a little low...

I am so sad.

I mean. I've been sadder. My mood is a little low and I'm hungry, but I will be okay. This whole not eating when I'm depressed thing is the pits, but I really don't want to make myself eat right now. I will feel better tomorrow. I'm REALLY happy about my job. I just feel like I'm really GOOD at it. Maybe I will stay here forever. Idk. I feel okay that I'll never make as much as d. Money can be a way to keep score, but it doesn't have to be. Plus d is gone.

Is boredom necessary

I used to think that in order for me to make myself do tasks that I didn't want to do I had to let myself become so bored that those tasks would be the lesser evil. Not sure if this is a mistake....

d

I'm just going to let my heart be broken. Just keep breathing.

money

It's really hard for me to spend money. And the thing is - I sort of have a lot of money and need to spend it. But I don't want to. It's weird. I should be grateful for having this non-problem. I guess the real problem is that my apartment is a bit messy. Not CRAZY messy, just a bit messy. And my clothes are a bit shabby. Again not CRAZY shabby, just a bit shabby. And I do think that when I get my shit together it will all get better. I don't know if I am wasting my life living in a messy apartment, wearing shabby clothes.

tired, annoyed, bored, and horny

thinking of d

I'm not sure if it's more of an addiction thing, or more of a legit "i like you" thing. Feeling very confused about my own feelings. Probably should just think about something else.

I guess the problem is that i'm bored. I need something cool to do. Gretchen Rubin says that one strategy to dealing with boredom is adding the word "meditation" after your task. So this is the "getting ready for work meditation".

ddddd

I guess I'm at this point where I feel like d is a super negative influence.... this has happened before...

feeling judged by d

I feel very judged by d and I have no reason to believe that it is true. I guess my hint is that he judges others quite harshly.

it is morning.

Woke up feeling the dull sadness.

The great and tricky thing about my job is that I have some flexibility as to when I show up. If I show up late, then I should stay late. It's the whole paradox of choice thing. I don't know what I should do right now.

feeling really unhappy - eating lots of sugar

I've been having junk food issues lately.

Also, I feel sad right now. It's not a terrible sadness. A dull disappointed/'things aren't perfect' sadness. I guess it's Sunday and although I didn't have terribly ambitious plans for this weekend, I am still disappointed in myself. I didn't write that draft letter (that I probably just WON'T write - I can't decide), didn't clean my apartment (not entirely true I did put many of my dishes away). I had a great time with d, but maybe we wore out each other's welcome. I guess the drinking last night and watching p, wasn't advisable - I feel weird because of it.

"I want to accept myself as I am, but also expect more from myself" - right now, this means I would like to make myself a decent dinner....

Confusion

It's Friday morning. I have a few tentative "maybe" plans for this weekend. I don't know if I want to do any of them. I maybe just want to relax, but that might be a bad idea, as I may end up wallowing. I want to figure out a way for my apartment to be clean. I don't know if that requires hiring maids? Basically, I feel really overwhelmed. My apartment is VERY out of control and it makes me feel ashamed. My landlords have to do some work in here - totally unnecessary work, they are adding floor tracks to the closets and I really don't want them in here. I can't wait to have my own home, even though that will be awhile, because I'm not into living on the super cheap.

I feel ugly. I can't decide if I should just live with the way I look, or take steps to improve it. This is SUCH a highschool/teenager issue. Hmmm, maybe if I see a crazy deal for invisalign in groupon I will buy it, but I guess I'm not at a place where I want to pay full price.

I have an appointment for some waxing this evening. That's throwing money around enough. I really want to spend some time with my body, doing yoga, pilates, barre, something. My body does not feel good and that's making me really sad. I know I should just accept that this is how my body feels right now.

I'm also disappointed in men. I wish they were more entertaining and interesting. So boring and simple....

I probably just feel a bit gross due to all the junk food I ate yesterday, although it was quite satisfying at them time :)

"I want to kill myself"

Soooo, not literally, or at least this is not something I would actually do....

But I hate the pressure I have on myself right now. It really sucks.

Update from next day (6/18):

I realize I worry for no reason. I had a bunch of stuff to get done today and it did get done, and everything worked out, and everyone was nice. I am really grateful that my job is full of really nice people.

charlie sheen

I think I sometimes have delusions of grandeur on a small scale. It is good because it makes me try things that are HARD. I like trying things that are HARD. It makes me GROW. The happiness-project woman places a lot of emphasis on living "in a spirit of growth". I think it's NORMAL and NATURAL to have these grand feelings about one's self and one's abilities once in awhile. It definitely feels obnoxious to share them with others. For example, I told D all this stuff about my dancing. I have very grandiose ideas about art and dancing. I'm not sure if these thoughts are helpful. Maybe they give me hope of a better life.

Writing my personal statement

It is frustrating that I not doing very well with this task.

"I want to accept myself, and also expect more of myself"

And I want to work calmly and happily.

on love and relationships

 “There is no love; there are only proofs of love.” 


One thing that is so heart-breaking and stressful about my relationship with D, is that it doesn't feel "right". He doesn't love me. He's moving away. He's like an addiction. HE'S LIKE AN ADDICTION. 


This should sound familiar to me, because it has happened before.


I want to be happy being single, but I also want to look for a suitable partner.